Unruly

As a personal development coach, I thrive off of self-actualization, as concept, as a way of life, as something to aspire to, every day of my life. I also know that it’s well within my grasp. For me and for all there is nothing we can’t achieve if we just make a good plan, pivot when called for and put in some hard work. Trust me.

I’ve also always believed in discipline, fairness, justice for all, kindness, caring. I believe we all have the right to our own happiness as long as it does not infringe on other people’s. The more I liberate others to be who they are, the more free I feel to let myself flow authentically. And, the more authenticity I allow to unfold in my daily life, the more I realize how some of my mental constructs of so many years have been useless.

This was very weird to put into words a year or so ago. I was then on the brink of making some very important decisions, cause a lot of change, change that would allow me to become unruly. In environments where people don’t know me very well [yet] I would truly be able to let go of the construct of what / who / where I should be.

So I became unruly! I went to work for a company that none of my friends had heard of. I moved house. I said goodbye to people who had been taking me for granted for years and changed my environment completely to the point where it has been 100 times more of a challenge every day since. I stopped [putting energy into] caring what people think of my choices, my body [etc.!] and started to address what really mattered. Unresolved baggage from the past. Delimiting clearly my private life from work. Enhancing my health to where it should be. Letting go of needing to be the smartest person in the room or preparing in advance for everything life might throw my way. While working to improve myself in many ways, I’ve just let my ridiculous expectations of myself go out the damn window.

I’ve been looking at photos of me from a few years back. It’s the best way to recall exactly what I was feeling and dealing with at the time. I was trying so hard to be perfect at my place of work, for my boyfriends, for my family and friends. I only saw my flaws and I see none of them now as I look back. I was doing so well and feeling so shit. Was I projecting my needs onto that view of things? Why the hell did I care so much what others thought or said? Why did I continue to bully myself long after school ended? Now that I can’t blame neither my family nor my childhood bullies for.

I put my life in danger and my heart on the line to be that truly perfect person, one day. I studied very hard and worked even harder. I tried so hard for my friends, boyfriends and relatives despite often being unhappy with the way they treated me in return. I left myself at the door so I could deal with other people’s tough personalities… and would strive to give, give, give and not ask for anything in return because it’s simply not nice to expect things of others.

And for what?

It all came crashing down 2016/2017, to the point where 2017/2018 I did not care much about how much change I was exercising over my life. Because I had nothing left to fight for that I thought would still matter to me at that point. When you give and you’re nice and you’re accommodating, that’s what you get. It’s the cold, hard, truth. And it’s actually refreshing to let it in!

So I became unruly for once. I’m exploring ALL my feelings. I’m letting myself be angry, impatient, upset, sad, depressed, whatever! out in the open. Because it all has a purpose. Even expectations of others have a purpose. Whatever comes, I am allowing it to teach me what it has to teach me. Doesn’t mean I’m not a good person, but I’m going to be different. And different is good. Different means progress. Either way, I’m very happy. What remains in the aftermath is a true feeling of fulfillment. Different from before, but for the first time in my life in years I can truly say I am content and excited for the present and future.

Still learning. But I do know that whatever it takes to find your True Self is worth it in the end. Authenticity always brings by your side the right people. I definitely recommend it. Be unruly. 🙂

I.

We are the Champions

Draga jurnalule,

Tare mult timp a mai trecut de cand ti-am scris…

Am renuntat sa mai scriu, in general, cand am realizat cat de multe opinii sunt in lume; nu ducem lipsa de ele, ci de Actiune. M-am intepenit pe acea viziune si eu, sa fiu un om de Actiune, iar cand voi scrie, sa scriu din experienta si pentru ca ma simt chemata sa ma conectez cu suflete care simt la fel.

Am renuntat sa mai scriu cand mult prea multi oameni m-au dezamagit unul dupa altul…

The little things – 2016/7

I’ve had a lot happen to me over the years. It’s never been smooth sailing. Yet, I used to rebound and go back to believing that things can be better and that I can be the change I want to see in the world.

And I still do believe. But I’ve had to heal from the past two years of turmoil. I’ve been in so much trouble health-wise, family-wise, relationship-wise, friendship-wise etc. that it turned me inside out and it shifted my value system. I’ve physically changed, I’ve mentally changed. Even the way I interact with people in general has changed. And now I’m moving house and job to reconnect with the spirited and passionate side of me that I know is still there.

I want to be and remain that awesome person that always got back up after every setback. But, somehow, in order to do that, I must restart on [almost] all fronts. So I’m happy with the choices I’ve made in the past couple of months.

♥

I meet them everywhere. Starters but not finishers. People who are warm, up to a limit. They don’t allow their gaze to tell their story, but hide it away under the excuse of being busy.

These people would say anything to keep from saying what they truly feel. They would do anything that means they will not have to face themselves. I have been one of them, but I have changed with time.

Used to run like they do, maybe even faster and maybe I would even hide for longer. Avoid real conversation for longer, hide my weirdness, hide my smile, my innermost thoughts and feelings, trying to be correct for the world around me.

I would say and do nothing to upset those around me, and I would give my friends and family and boyfriend a million chances to get it right with me. I would refuse to give up on others, when I had started to give up on myself… anything, not to feel scared, or heavy with the baggage of my past, or vulnerable, in any way! So I would run…

In my words, in my thoughts, in my feelings, in my actions, in my reactions… I ran. Hidden among those around me though were some who got frustrated trying to get in. So I lost some people this year, and my grandmother passed away too. And I learned, that, no matter what, I would still not appeal to everybody, always, so I decided to turn inward and start my work there.

Now, even though I feel the fear and I can anticipate the judgement, I say it anyway. I do it, anyway. I’ve faced all my baggage this year and I’ve let go… I’m not that person anymore. And the most wonderful thing of all, I do not run away from myself anymore. I don’t blame those around me, myself or my parents anymore. No need to blame, resent, fear or hate.

I prefer authenticity. Because, truth is, that while a lot people won’t be able to take me in as I am, the ones who do, the ones who enjoy my spirit as I would have them, give me purpose and hope. They light me up inside, and I burn… I BURN out of PASSION, and I reach out to touch people in the same way… not expecting anything. I extend the light that I have created by being myself, unapologetically.

I’ve been healing, I’ve been changing, for the better. I still cry for my nanna, but there’s no day when I don’t smile, at least for trying to make others smile.
That’s what I want to bring into the world. I want to help uplift people’s souls. I am not just a Developer… what I have been discovering, is only the beginning.

A wonderfully passionate beginning… and I will run no more. ♥

A-ha moment – 2016

I used to skim read these kinds of posts and jump ahead because I could not see the „A-ha” myself. It takes living it sometimes to resonate with people’s stories. But now I know.

I’ll keep this short.

It was my birthday yesterday – due to all that’s happened this year I was keeping it off the radar, was not much wanting to celebrate. Life’s so big that I’m in awe trying to understand and figure out some things. I’m ever more aware of the tangled web of existence, and, sometimes, it’s stifling. The more I live, the more there is to know and I do not want to be stuck in the past or stopped by previous traumas or fears – it ends here.

And sometimes you just don’t want to celebrate before you know what your new direction is.

So I let people off the hook, dis-invited my friends and buckled up for yet another day of being a tour guide for my bro. But a nice gesture I made in April did not go unnoticed… therefore I was reminded by a dear friend that I am not allowed to give up on my important milestones…

So they got me a heart-shaped cake, and told me they loved me, and out of a day I didn’t think anyone would bother, I ended up emerging with a deep knowing that I am loved, supported, wanted.

I’m not talking about timeline posts or the Happy Birthday wishes I got in general.

It was the moment when I asked myself „why am I here still” on the 14th of June and the answer that came later that evening and that night. I stayed up until 4 am on my birthday as a friend was in need of someone by their side. I did it without hesitation. Happy I could help… Coming back to my PC that morning, some birthday wishes were in. I smiled briefly, and then I went to bed to sleep, finally.

As I woke up, and throughout the day, wishes stormed in, people kept being nice to me, they sent presents and cards, and lifted my spirit, so humbling. It was surreal to have my day taken over in the end, still be surrounded by people in the evening, to blow out the candles and make a wish.

But well, to me, this was only the icing on the cake. 🙂

I’m happy to be alive, to be of use, to touch lives and be here for the people I care about. Truly the most meaningful gift I got yesterday was to know that my contribution matters.

I’m sorry if I disappoint sometimes. I want to be a better person, and I’m trying so hard. I am so proud of how far I have come… in some ways, I’ve changed completely, for the better… I trust my journey and I love you people. 🙂

Very much looking forward to the beautiful moments to come.

Starting to understand

the Road to Recovery

Sunday, the 13th of March 2016

It is a beautiful Sunday morning and I woke up just before 8, without my alarm. I started out with a good, healthy breakfast to powerfully start my day and I opened the door towards the balcony to get some fresh air as it’s starting to be lovely outside. My room, recently cleaned, looks great in the warm sunlight, and I thought I might as well pack in a few moves before my daily shower, so I have been dancing for the last half an hour to upbeat, happy songs. This is the end of the second week getting back into a healthy lifestyle. How good is it to feel normal again?

Tears

Sad day. I have to let go of something I’ve fought for and believed in for a long time. I somehow felt maybe there was a chance to not get hurt and that it was worth the wait to get to know.

Normally I go into denial and I passively get depressed and try to gloss over it not realising that it leaves me incomplete. Not this time. I’m going to face it head on and learn my lesson. I think this is why it took a while, for the longest time I was incapable to accept that there’s nothing there but the lesson, and just trigger it, let it play out no matter what was going to happen through it. It was a very important one.

If you’re struggling with a decision or with hurt, learn to embrace the pain and move on from it as openly as you can. That’s why it’s there, and it pushes you to become a better person and heal your past wounds by pushing through the fear of being hurt. There’s blessings in every moment; through this journey I’ve attracted incredible friends and I’ve met one human being that I love to bits, that has stood by me no matter what and pulled me through. From ashes comes hope, in the most beautiful and innocent form, and I regret every moment I spent in denial, or feeling guilty, or waiting, all in order to try and do things right. But doing the right thing has a different meaning altogether with me now, in the aftermath.

These tears are closing up the years I spent in a bubble, and complete change will follow. I will NOT allow 2017 to be impacted by any of the same issues I’ve had in the past years. Whatever it takes. Behind everything is hope and beauty, I’ve discovered on the way in the most unexpected moments… that mean the world to me, that I can finally pursue without guilt.

Things may be rough but great blessings to all reading this, and I’ve attached a song I found on social media right after I’d gone through it which, although unrelated, is a masterpiece that also speaks about personal struggles and having won over them in the end.

Good luck with your journey!

Piece by piece

Why did I get back into IT and become a Dev?

The answer, today, after 2+ years of doing it for a living and getting to the core of what it actually means/is like, is simple. Loud and clear. But it has taken so many years to grasp an underlying simple truth…

When we are children, our focus flows where our interest goes. On small children it is the easiest to see what they are passionate about since they tend to spend a lot of time on it. They don’t wonder endlessly about possibilities and implications, they just „wander endlessly” directly towards their (current) target. And then we grow up and things look like they are becoming complicated, you kind of get the feeling that if it’s not complicated, it won’t be compelling enough, challenging enough or compatible with „this” stage of your development as a human being. I completely understand and I myself have fallen into that trap, where before it was easy to just go where my passions were.

After years of trying to ‘resist’ an education that was ‘force-fed’ to me and my brother, I thought that calling would be farther away still when it was right under my nose. „I mean look at the small percentage of women in IT”. „What if my competencies just stop one day”…  „I don’t want to limit myself just with computing, rather my favourite subjects range from Biology to History / Archaeology to Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Music, Drawing, Painting, Writing, Economics, Psychology, Architecture, 3D modelling, animation, web design/programming and more that all fascinate me, as hard as they appear to grasp and learn.” And, still, I found more: Marketing, Branding, Strategy analysis, Business Administration, International Business and Cross-cultural studies… a variety of foreign languages…

It’s a lot to process. I was concerned that whatever I would pick would end up limiting my capabilities – luckily jobs have evolved in all kinds of ways, possibilities are endless and it is amazing, because we can continue to grow, whatever we choose, for the rest of our lives. But, in high school, it’s a bit unknown – you can end up feeling disconnected and expect the real-world to involve some kind of hidden meaning and methods to learn – and it’s not like that at all. We should be encouraged to challenge the status quo and improve what is rather than expect or prepare for things to work in a certain way.

If there is something I could change about education and the way things are done, I’d choose to give full power of expression to creativity. I’d give students the ability to decide what their content should be in order to fulfill the task they have been given. I would let them create their own ways of expression and I would have them first and foremost develop, long before they graduate, the ability to distinguish between a project that is completely fit for purpose and one that is slightly or way off (and WHY),  the art of Argumentation. They need the real-live understanding that you can rarely emulate in school – how is it to be in the real world, have a deadline and be subject to limits and constraints and still see that as an opportunity, make it work, improve on a concept, rather than applying factors and indicators from the teacher’s performance sheet.

They need to understand history and evolution mostly in order to be able to adapt to the market and technology and find their place in the world as it is today. They need to be given a voice rather than be silenced. I believe that the world would be very different if we could at least get them to stop trying to prove themselves – bit like waiting for your teacher to say you passed, when all success factors are already inside you.

If I had this mindset when I finished school I would have known to go for what I love for my uni studies and that what I loved were the things I spent most of my free time on. I would have followed that voice early on. As a mentor that is what I want my mentees to know; I want them to be aware that they are creating their lives in the now, as opposed to ‘in the future’ when they leave school. If I can get them listening to the quiet voice inside their hearts without feeling the need to prove themselves to the world but rather already knowing they are unique, meant to be that way and that whoever they are they should express that and love being themselves, then my job is pretty much done.

My advice is: don’t wait for some extraordinary event to tell you who you are. The things that are meant to be are THERE, they happen seamlessly, as they are supposed to, because that is the right path. Don’t make the same mistake I made as a teen, thinking that the perfect life and career must be beyond some ridiculously hard to jump white fence, at the top of a ridiculously tall tower. Rather than making it hard to listen to your heart, simply follow it and then focus the working hard on becoming the best you.

Do you have any idea how much success and growth that will spark? Trust me.

So, the answer to the post title is:

Because you can fool yourself for a few years doing stuff you don’t ‘love’, you can get lost in it a little (or a lot), but then you ultimately get really uncomfortable in the end. I felt it in 2011 – for whatever reason I felt inside I HAD to go to the UK, felt like I was late already in doing that, I felt like I had told everyone what I felt but was ultimately doing nothing to that end. Professionally I did not feel challenged enough / in the right way and I didn’t feel that I was able to express my creativity at full potential. It is awful to feel like you’re wasting your seconds, and even though I left behind people who love and care about me, I had to „go do me”. I’ve understood the hard way that you shouldn’t interfere with matters of the heart. If it calls, the calling will be there until you follow it and it is more satisfying to follow it sooner than later. What I am doing now… I love every split second and I know I can do more – and I will.

So make sure you don’t ‘learn the hard way’. Make sure you spend time on things that help you grow and no matter how small an action, it got you a step closer to your goal and it can be huge – because you never know when you meet your next business partner, you never know when a career shift is fundamentally right and in tune with the times. Trust yourself – it’s great that we’ve got so much support around self-development, but the first and ultimate compass is inside ourselves, that’s where you need to look. And if you’re going to work this hard, might as well work on/for something you love and that excites you to the core!

Dev Over and Out

💓

A different kind of birthday

I’ve been thinking a bit about the fact that my birthday is right around the corner… having come to the conclusion that this year I’m not necessarily looking to be recognized and saluted by my hundreds of acquaintances/friends/family members and so on. I went big last year with the Mayfair party and all and still it didn’t feel as right as I would have wanted.

Somehow I’m more focused on my goals, personally and professionally right now and don’t feel like being in the spotlight because I was born some 20 years ago. It has nothing to do with my age as I feel (and look) younger/better than ever and I’m still a 20-something. I just don’t feel the same feelings about things as before – rather it’s the process of growing up and looking around to see what the best way is to come out of my shell.

Rather than looking inward I’d like to look outward. It is an amazing stage of life – when I can finally stop reacting to ‘bad’ stuff happening and be pro-active on the levels that I actually hold dear. I’ve made it in creating a life I love and to me to have fulfilled my wildest dreams by this day, this early in my life, is beyond amazing. And still the best is yet to come!

I guess the conclusion here is: I don’t need one day in the year to feel special as every day lately feels like my birthday. Just wanted to see my guy and closest friends, I know I’m seeing my family a bit later this year, I’m healthy and happy, I’m ;in a lot of love’ – life is good. Now to find me a new place and move! 😛

Thank you and I am humbled to be feeling this feeling of uttermost gratitude for all my daily accomplishments.

#HappyLittleDev