Starting to understand

I wrote before about the way I had been „punishing” myself. This is post #2.

After attending a particularly intensive Seminar last weekend I’ve become even more aware of the world around me, and that has fuelled curiosity on the wanting to understand what had gone wrong with me in the past as well. I understand now how our thought and emotional patterns can get us in trouble over time.

So, I’ve come across this term, of, Adrenal Fatigue, when discussing weight gain and weight loss in conjunction with the amount of cardio invested. But it also turns out that this problem isn’t triggered just by cardio, but can be triggered by any type of stress, and ultimately it manifests when the body is put under an immense amount of stress/pressure that it’s having trouble coping with. That hit home with me, especially with this healing process, I’ve been trying to do „alchemy”, as my trainers call it – „higher over lower”. I had to fix the inside for the outside to get fixed.

It’s all good when you decide to change and improve your life, but especially on this path that I’m on, the results and progress over time can be confusing… and that they are. It just so happened I’ve gone through a very intense and tough past month based on some stuff that has happened and, even though I’ve been good in that I’ve not allowed my anorexia to return (has not been easy), my body was again under tremendous stress. And… same results and outcome. Even though I tried to be as upbeat as normally I would wake up exhausted and feeling drained all the time (and a bunch of other symptoms, even new ones that scared me senseless!). I ended up asking myself, seriously: „I am feeding myself, so what now?”

I continued, instinctively, to go at it from a perspective that I know that I’d be backing up into a bad corner if I stopped nourishing myself, because I’d already been there and none of my approaches has gotten me anywhere good. So I continued with eating as a normal human being. The Seminar was very powerful, and for the past three weeks now I’ve been making as much effort as I can to live a happy, healthy, fit life… and still my results were not as good as last year in the Autumn, before I visited home… a time when I shut off the stress and focused on the good as a resolve and was even decidedly becoming vegan at the time. I lost a lot of weight, then was presented to the stress from back home and came back to stress from having to move and turmoil in the relationship I’d lost, plus a new relationship that was blooming and not knowing how to approach any of that. I was confused, I was stressed, the pounds returned and my period was off for another while.

Even as I rekindled my relationship, there was lack of consistency on any end. The amount of work I had to do was incredible, at my job – we go through these really intensive patches and had no way to cope at the time, all of this while I tried to make everybody happy and I was breaking down physically.

Come February, facing my relationship had issues, crying, being depressed over a connection that is turning three years old this year that I have truly invested a lot in. Come March, the resolve to explore the new relationship and maybe even commit to it, but facing the result of what I’d been trying to do over the many months. Dark event in the family, losing it. Relationship blooms again, but I’m feeling all over the place. My body definitely was, mid-April. Can’t really say it spiralled out of control as I put measures in place and since then I’ve been dedicated to understanding what really works, but I’m starting to understand now this pattern that I’ve been going down now and again.

That is leading me… where?

I’ve realised that this pattern has been running since I was a little girl. An accident I had made me susceptible to the effects and the theme has been running since then. With the almost divorce, the bullying, the trying to make someone of myself even though at times I was the only person believing in me. Not feeling like I belonged, and always under so much stress and pressure to help other people’s lives make sense. I was the pillar pulling my family together before I left to study abroad… I really was the strongest one psychologically and I was always giving into a pattern of forgetting about myself… which continued over here too.

Until I found out that it’s not really helping – especially when you realize that people take that and very rarely does someone correspond. Sadly I’ve realised I’m more likely to meet a stranger that will decide to be there for me than my existing friends. Then I realized – it was my vibration to attract people that needed me, because I was used to being needed and being the pillar pulling everything together. Giving support, advice, my time, but I didn’t ask for anything in return. I came to feel lonely in a sea of friends because I was people’s pillar normally. I tried to ask for help a year ago and right on my birthday week I lost several friendships – „where is the old, upbeat you?”… well, sometimes we all hit rock bottom and I expect for the friendship and support to go both ways, even though I am a strong person on the inside. I have to be, after all I’ve gone through until now, which I am thankful for in that respect.

Yet, since last Autumn more or less, I’ve been focused internally more, and externally only on a very few close people. I’ve been rebuilding, re-orienting my time and effort and I’ve known true love and appreciation, true affection and I’ve met a different kind of people. My inner circle is shifting and I’m also reconsidering my feelings. All of my love, devotion, support, have to be invested in a cause that makes sense to me, because I have to give to myself too. Gone are the days when I’d just give and not expect return-on-investment – mainly because I have needs that, when not met, I crash, to the detriment of the people I can help. I’ve not been investing in myself, specifically, over the years.

I’d been running on empty. Not realizing how loved I am, not realizing not only how much I can give, but what I deserve in return. What value I have as a loving human being that actually cares about people. All that is changing – again, not because I’m mean, but because if I’m not part of the crowd that thrives as consequence of all of the effort I put in, then that’s a recipe for hurting oneself, and I’m over that. I will not hurt myself anymore. I want connections that last, that I can build on, I want quality people that elevate my spirit with every contact, I want meaningful stories and conversations and soul-searching adventures and I want bonds that not only resist time but that make me feel alive with so much joy that I get to be here every day, walking the Earth, happy, serene, complete.

That is what I want. Rather than focusing on removing the stress or the havoc it creates, I’m focused on rebuilding in a way that works for me. My mission nowadays is to understand, truly, away from any hardship and choices I’d have to make to serve others, what really serves me and my growth? Because I’ve experienced the light of my being and how beautiful that can shine on others when I’m happy and healthy. I don’t see myself as the run-down anti-social person, but I see myself full of life, exploring my potential and inspiring others in doing so.

If there’s anything I’ve learned at last weekend’s seminar, it’s that… the light is still here and it’s uber-strong.

So, yes, I do believe that adrenal fatigue, regardless of other people’s opinions, is a thing. Can you prove it with science? maybe. Can you prove it, internally, physically, when you’re going through it? Definitely. I’m just glad it has some sort of name, because it was confusing to be going through something that you can’t put your finger on, that makes one blame themselves instead. It’s time to point the finger externally, to acknowledge and then change our lives. I am only taking this as a sign that a change must follow.

So part two of the recovery journey is me doing alchemy and shifting into a better pattern for myself rather than what I have referred to before. I’m meeting other people and refreshing my friendships and connections and I’m going with the flow – definitely better than feeling stuck believing there’s no solution to what you’re experiencing.

I’ll keep posting updates, as this is important. I don’t care how many people read this but if you do, take care of yourself. Don’t blame, just become aware and understand who you are, and what you really want to do, and follow your intuition no matter how it looks at the beginning.

 

Good luck with your journey,

Ioana