As a personal development coach, I thrive off of self-actualization, as concept, as a way of life, as something to aspire to, every day of my life. I also know that it’s well within my grasp. For me and for all there is nothing we can’t achieve if we just make a good plan, pivot when called for and put in some hard work. Trust me.
I’ve also always believed in discipline, fairness, justice for all, kindness, caring. I believe we all have the right to our own happiness as long as it does not infringe on other people’s. The more I liberate others to be who they are, the more free I feel to let myself flow authentically. And, the more authenticity I allow to unfold in my daily life, the more I realize how some of my mental constructs of so many years have been useless.
This was very weird to put into words a year or so ago. I was then on the brink of making some very important decisions, cause a lot of change, change that would allow me to become unruly. In environments where people don’t know me very well [yet] I would truly be able to let go of the construct of what / who / where I should be.
So I became unruly! I went to work for a company that none of my friends had heard of. I moved house. I said goodbye to people who had been taking me for granted for years and changed my environment completely to the point where it has been 100 times more of a challenge every day since. I stopped [putting energy into] caring what people think of my choices, my body [etc.!] and started to address what really mattered. Unresolved baggage from the past. Delimiting clearly my private life from work. Enhancing my health to where it should be. Letting go of needing to be the smartest person in the room or preparing in advance for everything life might throw my way. While working to improve myself in many ways, I’ve just let my ridiculous expectations of myself go out the damn window.
I’ve been looking at photos of me from a few years back. It’s the best way to recall exactly what I was feeling and dealing with at the time. I was trying so hard to be perfect at my place of work, for my boyfriends, for my family and friends. I only saw my flaws and I see none of them now as I look back. I was doing so well and feeling so shit. Was I projecting my needs onto that view of things? Why the hell did I care so much what others thought or said? Why did I continue to bully myself long after school ended? Now that I can’t blame neither my family nor my childhood bullies for.
I put my life in danger and my heart on the line to be that truly perfect person, one day. I studied very hard and worked even harder. I tried so hard for my friends, boyfriends and relatives despite often being unhappy with the way they treated me in return. I left myself at the door so I could deal with other people’s tough personalities… and would strive to give, give, give and not ask for anything in return because it’s simply not nice to expect things of others.
And for what?
It all came crashing down 2016/2017, to the point where 2017/2018 I did not care much about how much change I was exercising over my life. Because I had nothing left to fight for that I thought would still matter to me at that point. When you give and you’re nice and you’re accommodating, that’s what you get. It’s the cold, hard, truth. And it’s actually refreshing to let it in!
So I became unruly for once. I’m exploring ALL my feelings. I’m letting myself be angry, impatient, upset, sad, depressed, whatever! out in the open. Because it all has a purpose. Even expectations of others have a purpose. Whatever comes, I am allowing it to teach me what it has to teach me. Doesn’t mean I’m not a good person, but I’m going to be different. And different is good. Different means progress. Either way, I’m very happy. What remains in the aftermath is a true feeling of fulfillment. Different from before, but for the first time in my life in years I can truly say I am content and excited for the present and future.
Still learning. But I do know that whatever it takes to find your True Self is worth it in the end. Authenticity always brings by your side the right people. I definitely recommend it. Be unruly. 🙂
I.
inspired 