Unruly

As a personal development coach, I thrive off of self-actualization, as concept, as a way of life, as something to aspire to, every day of my life. I also know that it’s well within my grasp. For me and for all there is nothing we can’t achieve if we just make a good plan, pivot when called for and put in some hard work. Trust me.

I’ve also always believed in discipline, fairness, justice for all, kindness, caring. I believe we all have the right to our own happiness as long as it does not infringe on other people’s. The more I liberate others to be who they are, the more free I feel to let myself flow authentically. And, the more authenticity I allow to unfold in my daily life, the more I realize how some of my mental constructs of so many years have been useless.

This was very weird to put into words a year or so ago. I was then on the brink of making some very important decisions, cause a lot of change, change that would allow me to become unruly. In environments where people don’t know me very well [yet] I would truly be able to let go of the construct of what / who / where I should be.

So I became unruly! I went to work for a company that none of my friends had heard of. I moved house. I said goodbye to people who had been taking me for granted for years and changed my environment completely to the point where it has been 100 times more of a challenge every day since. I stopped [putting energy into] caring what people think of my choices, my body [etc.!] and started to address what really mattered. Unresolved baggage from the past. Delimiting clearly my private life from work. Enhancing my health to where it should be. Letting go of needing to be the smartest person in the room or preparing in advance for everything life might throw my way. While working to improve myself in many ways, I’ve just let my ridiculous expectations of myself go out the damn window.

I’ve been looking at photos of me from a few years back. It’s the best way to recall exactly what I was feeling and dealing with at the time. I was trying so hard to be perfect at my place of work, for my boyfriends, for my family and friends. I only saw my flaws and I see none of them now as I look back. I was doing so well and feeling so shit. Was I projecting my needs onto that view of things? Why the hell did I care so much what others thought or said? Why did I continue to bully myself long after school ended? Now that I can’t blame neither my family nor my childhood bullies for.

I put my life in danger and my heart on the line to be that truly perfect person, one day. I studied very hard and worked even harder. I tried so hard for my friends, boyfriends and relatives despite often being unhappy with the way they treated me in return. I left myself at the door so I could deal with other people’s tough personalities… and would strive to give, give, give and not ask for anything in return because it’s simply not nice to expect things of others.

And for what?

It all came crashing down 2016/2017, to the point where 2017/2018 I did not care much about how much change I was exercising over my life. Because I had nothing left to fight for that I thought would still matter to me at that point. When you give and you’re nice and you’re accommodating, that’s what you get. It’s the cold, hard, truth. And it’s actually refreshing to let it in!

So I became unruly for once. I’m exploring ALL my feelings. I’m letting myself be angry, impatient, upset, sad, depressed, whatever! out in the open. Because it all has a purpose. Even expectations of others have a purpose. Whatever comes, I am allowing it to teach me what it has to teach me. Doesn’t mean I’m not a good person, but I’m going to be different. And different is good. Different means progress. Either way, I’m very happy. What remains in the aftermath is a true feeling of fulfillment. Different from before, but for the first time in my life in years I can truly say I am content and excited for the present and future.

Still learning. But I do know that whatever it takes to find your True Self is worth it in the end. Authenticity always brings by your side the right people. I definitely recommend it. Be unruly. 🙂

I.

We are the Champions

Draga jurnalule,

Tare mult timp a mai trecut de cand ti-am scris…

Am renuntat sa mai scriu, in general, cand am realizat cat de multe opinii sunt in lume; nu ducem lipsa de ele, ci de Actiune. M-am intepenit pe acea viziune si eu, sa fiu un om de Actiune, iar cand voi scrie, sa scriu din experienta si pentru ca ma simt chemata sa ma conectez cu suflete care simt la fel.

Am renuntat sa mai scriu cand mult prea multi oameni m-au dezamagit unul dupa altul…

New feeling #4 / 2015

What to do?

What to do when you meet someone who is so much on the same wavelength, someone who knows exactly how to talk to you and to soothe you with their words, as well as silence. Someone who always tells you the truth, who supports you through the good and the bad, and who acts sweetly without having to and understands beyond words.

Someone understanding and patient and calm. They inspire you not only to be the same, but to be and become a better person in general every day? Their acceptance and love of your faults makes you want to become the best you can be and it transforms you, starting at the core.

There is only one answer I could think of; when you meet such a person you must treat them right, trust them, open up to them and give them your heart. There is no other way as life-enriching as to open up to someone who cares to look so deeply into your soul and understand what is hiding beneath the surface.

New feeling #2 / 2015

When someone has been a really good friend for years, that you can’t give up on… but life has made you different people so you’re left happy to watch them from afar and pray that they be happy and accomplished regardless. They are still friends.

New feeling #1 / 2015

When someone gets you mad and even while you’re mad with them, even though you’d be silent and cold on the outside, you still want to cuddle when night falls.

Teenager, 2015

A new year is approaching. New times. New people. New experiences. New adventures… All here to teach something important, that we need for our lives going forward.

Honestly, as 2015 approaches I feel like a teenager. Since I’ve been employed FT it’s like time never passed, I feel just as young as during uni or maybe younger… just as myself or maybe more so, because I’m on my own two feet, away from home, and I made it. There’s nothing more empowering than to know that you can provide for yourself and for your close ones, and that you are able to rebuild if necessary, because it’s your own, inner, value that you’ve built your prosperity on (people forget they have this power all too easily). So empowering that all your work has been worth it.

And, while I feel like a teen again, I’ve got my years of life experience to thank for the confidence in myself that I have built from the ground-up. I had the right attitude as a teenager, but not the confidence. Now I have both and an insatiable desire to find solutions to all old issues and leave them where they originated, in the past. I like this attitude change because I’ve worked hard to change my mentality over the years. It’s something you simply have to do for yourself, especially when you have the right resources but may be using them inappropriately.

It took a whole year of seeking out my spiritual side, a year of healing on all fronts. I’ve traveled, I’ve spent my most important days with close ones, I’ve had my share of eye-opening experiences, I feel infinitely more mature than even a couple of months ago. And for that I have all of my angels to thank, whether world-renowned gurus or people who have been by my side when I needed them most. I’ve found what I was seeking, I found myself… and it’s time to share that with the world. 🙂

It’s hard when you’ve got so much to say, so much to do, so many dreams. What do you focus on? How do you decide what you want to do first? How can you find a balance between what you are doing at the moment and making some time to invest in your future? How do you know when you’ve finally found that thing you love most in your life, career, among your habits, hobbies and passions? I’ve hit the nail right with all my goals being worked on this year, with experiences that I will long remember and cherish always and with an awakening which was long coming and which has rebuilt me as a human being… weird how it seems though that I’m more myself NOW than I’ve ever been. Maybe I owe most of this to the act of true listening.

Whether this makes sense to you or not, if you’re reading this right now, I challenge you to give thanks to the best people and experiences in your life this year on your preferred social network, or, better yet, in person. We don’t give thanks enough…

Seek your lovely self out and express them. Let the world see you shine! You’re younger and more beautiful and full of potential now than you will ever experience again in this life as a human being and regardless of what is to be going forward from this existence, try to make the best of… experiencing the joy of being a human being, in the now.

I can only wish for all mankind that they stop listening to society so much and start listening to themselves and investing in themselves properly. And giving thanks for all good things and people flowing through their lives.

I’m at peace.May you be too, and especially in the new year.

Bring on 2015! 🙂

Love,

Ioana

In my – humble – opinion

When I started my current job, we had a few activities that were done as ice-breakers, briefing sessions on what was most important to know from the very beginning and, well, all sorts of presentations to keep us busy while we were waiting to receive our laptops, desks, phones, port replicators and other equipment.

I remember one conversation we had in the new team I had just joined, central subject of which was X, our well-known Java development expert from City A. My manager briefly described him, the team had worked with him before and he seems to really know his stuff. He’s probably quite a senior employee of the organization, and quite… „senior” himself. All fine with me. I already liked this person from what I’d been relayed.

But I made the big mistake of saying: „One day I will be just as good as he is,” along with my signature smile that I have when I’m waiting for the people around me to get a joke. Truth is, it was part joke, part really being hopeful and 100% believing that I can achieve it, were it to mean that much to me. My team didn’t know that I have had a hardcore background preparing me for my current role and what they didn’t know then, they do now. It’s my calling.

It was the beginning, they didn’t know me very well. They didn’t know what I’ve gone through in general in and they didn’t know that it was my way of encouraging myself for achieving something I want to achieve. It was actually mostly a joke at the time though because I was still waiting to see what my performance was to decide whether I’d stay in the industry and, of course, if I enjoyed it.

Nowadays, my guys know exactly who I am, what I’m like, what types of jokes I make and so on. They also know that I’m good at what I do and that I’ve shown now and again that to me it’s very important that we all evolve together, as a team, rather than just myself, individually. I think I can make all kinds of statements now with them and they’d know when I’m serious, sarcastic, joking around, or actually being arrogant [if ever].

The one thing I know now, after a year of trying my best not to stand out unless it was in a good way – to cut it out. Cut out trying to be the ideal image of an employee [that only works on paper]. Because there will always be someone who doesn’t answer when you say good morning, there will always be someone who will see your application as being useless because their JavaScript doesn’t work, and so on. I was so afraid after getting the „you’ve kind of come across as arrogant” piece of feedback, because I really cared about the way the guys saw me… I had just begun working in an all-male team and I had just begun working a full-time job, as a female dev etc. For the first 6 months I had problems saying anything without overthinking the meaning it would have for other people – of a different nationality.

But, after one year, I’ve cut it all out. I’m unapologetically myself and, while I am nice to people, I put myself and my duties first and for the first time I’m actually breaking the barriers of communication. Weird part is – I think that was the only thing that was in the way, even though, again, we’re all different nationalities, customs, genders, educational backgrounds, levels of experience, you name it. One very important lesson  I’ve learned here is to allow myself to be myself in front of other people, even if in a working environment because, just as they deserve my respect and support, I do theirs, period.

So, about humility. I’m simply going to be myself, and to be myself is to be as bold as to have the strength to speak up if something’s not right, to take a different path when the old/regular one is outdated/it’s time to evolve, it’s having trust and faith in my instincts, both as a dev and as a business graduate. And sometimes being bold goes a bit against the idea of being humble, as it does against the status quo.

But I was given the job while being myself. I didn’t attend that interview dressed up as Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates. And, yes! I’m not a machine, but a programmer of machines, human and flawed, and open to admit my mistakes as they bring me closer to my angel supporters and friends, as well as open to make a bold statement once in a while – nothing wrong with believing in your potential as long as you see in yourself the power and will to achieve that which you desire for yourself.

I enjoy laughing at myself. Can that be called being humble? I’m definitely a thorough dev and a sort-of-workaholic employee. The feedback is constantly encouraging. But I’m human, at the end of the day and I love that the environment I work in is an environment where I can express that when I need to.

Over and out.

Summer Rain (in London)

To me, there is something so poetic and so beautiful about summer rain. I get the urge to read and/or write right as the sky turns grey and the rain starts to fall. It’s a bit cold, but, because of the season, it’s pleasant. Rather, it feels like a soothing release, like flowing in nature with the Universe, giving Peace at a deep level, reminding me of summers as a child, when all work outside would have to come to a stop and, together with my family, I would be left contemplating the beauty of nature satisfying her thirst, drop by drop, on every green leaf.

Woman in IT

For a long time and since I’ve been a kid old enough to be asked „what do you want to do when you grow up”, I’ve been asking myself obsessively what would my calling be. Along the way, I’ve drilled as much as I could into activities to understand what would feel right for me to do. The tricky part was that I could get my head around any subject… literally, with some time and devotion, I could become good at it, and, if I wanted to hard enough, I’d end up excelling at it, due to the fact (I think) that I’m very good around switching from a strategic to a tactic view, and vice versa; as I get around to doing something, I get a sixth sense around what gaps are there and I know exactly how to fill them and when to restructure.

Believe it :)

… Or, should I say, dare I be a little happy? Just a tiny little bit?

For all the beautiful moments I share with the people I meet daily and the awesome experiences that sometimes emerge out of nowhere? For the fact that I’m applying kindness and patience every day now and it does indeed come back ‘millionfold’? An act of kindness goes a very long way.