New feeling #7 / 2015 – No more blaming

Contrary to my previous beliefs that I had before, facing my worst fear did not result in the Earth stopping from rotating, nor in the Sun failing to rise again and bring a new day, full of hope and beauty. I’ve finally realized that the only after-effects of such an event that only I know about are only released in my internal world, in my mind… the rest of the world moves and feels the same.

No one knows what’s happened – I did in fact have my greatest „fear” be realized these last few weeks and… I’m still alive. And well. And loved, and cared for. And myself, except a better version because I faced my then-demons and I „survived”. By definition an event like that can make you stronger… and I’m left without a biggest fear right now – thankfully. I experienced a loss that has hurt me, but the hurt was lessened by the fact that, by that point, I had realized I was the one who consciously chose to risk, to fight a seemingly already-lost battle, yet I cared so much about the „cause”… In all the moments leading up to that I could have:

a. spoken out to clarify things

b. stopped the whole thing

c. given up fighting and focusing on it, but I didn’t.

That wouldn’t have been me. And, more than pride or just wanting to win, to me it was a natural choice and to me it was always obvious that I should go for it. It was all noble, which is why I’m not blaming anyone, not even myself.

It was a choice. It is a choice. Including what I feel – it was all my choice, to know what that path involved, yet walk down that path anyway. Pesky little heart. How it fights for its causes, how it fuels me in cases like these… but I love it because it makes me who I am. I don’t know if it makes sense but despite the hurt that fighting for a cause like this may bring, I’m still proud of myself for staying true to who I am. This is me, all heart.

This is why for years I’ve had a wall surrounding it and I stopped myself from opening up too much. But right now today – it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s who I am, it’s part of me, it’s a lesson that I accept, because I’d rather not repeat. Not because I’m not starting to get good at this (sarcastic haha), but because I think I can express myself in better, more constructive and happier ways for me and the people involved.

So this is me making peace with this – and now that I’m at it, I’ve decided to start facing my small fears one by one. A nav piercing, dancing in public (finally!), expressing myself and letting myself be seen in general. Because I, for one, like what I have discovered in myself along the way. It’s a beautiful journey and that is why I’m looking for the best in others, always. Because it’s taken years to take down the wall protecting and hiding away my heart and the personal side of me, but to me it was worth doing so because it’s not just about bearing yourself for the world to see – concept which strikes fear in a lot of people’s hearts – but it’s about living fully, truly, accepting everything, letting it all in, every human being you meet on your path, every experience you take part in, every feeling that that yields…

I’m so deeply grateful for being here and having the chance to carry out this spiritual journey I’ve decidedly started a year ago. I’m immensely grateful for everything, every moment. Every little thing. All of it. It’s making me a better person and a better spirit – you should see how easy it is to sleep when, despite it all, your heart is lighter than ever before and when your spirit is at peace. I wish that for everyone, whether they consider themselves spiritual beings, or not.

To make peace with all that is and all that I am – this is the greatest blessing I’ve been granted yet.

#THANKYOUANGELS

P.S. Whoever you are, never forget what miracles it took to make you happen 🙂 Wouldn’t you rather focus on that instead of playing the blame-game each time something you perceive as bad happens? Think about it.

P.P.S. Thank you Gosia for the inspiration and I do promise to smile every day – see if I can get any grumpy Londoners to smile back :]

New feeling #6 / 2015 – My spark stays put

Over the past few weeks I’ve been working so hard that I’ve not had time for much and I have gotten into a state where I need to sort myself out. A thought in my mind as I was racing towards this bank holiday weekend: will I break my promise to myself?

When I was a kid, among other things, I wondered why most grown-ups were so unlit. They seemed so content with their lives and with striving for a sense of security for the things they had struggled to obtain. They seemed always afraid in a way as if their value sat in things outside themselves even though it was them that made it all happen; they were so determined to keep their lives going as they were no matter if happy/unhappy/motivated/demotivated/satisfied/not satisfied… and they forgot that struggling in that way was the way the ultimately lived their lives… And that’s how time would go by. Even a small child as I was I constantly asked myself: why no struggle? why no drive?

Why would you not reveal to everyone that me and my brother were left with a babysitter’s family for several weeks and severely beaten? To keep up appearances? Relations?

I saw their struggle and I accepted none of it. I could not fathom that I would accept the same, limitation, abuse, bullying, criticism, being told what to do by society, by politicians. I grew up all passion, determination and drive. With the years I have been through things so bad I all but died and yet here I am, living, breathing, fighting, because my spark is still very much alive.

You are not where you start from.

You are not who others say you are.

You are not doomed to make the same mistakes and keep up the same patterns.

It’s all true. I choose my own path and I make my destiny based on the choices I make every day. Sure, it doesn’t „pay” to be a good person – actually, you are wrong if you think that. I too get demotivated at times, but I don’t stay in that mood for long. Rather I kick up a healthy conversation with myself on what my path is now, what my goals are now… and, last summer, when I felt lost trying to rebuild after reaching all my goals since before I turned 20, I asked myself: what is next with patience and consideration for the person that I’ve become. I’ve understood that I am extremely lucky to have come out of the meeting of two brilliant minds and characters – alas, theirs only have taken them so far, but I know I can and must do much more. Yet, I chose not to stay and struggle in a world where one voice can’t do much.

I left because I knew I could defy their „laws” about what is possible with „limited” means. With time I have thought about my decision and the fact that I’m away from where I grew up, I struggled with feeling guilty because I know that I could have stayed and been first into battle trying to revolutionize the ways of my country. But also with time and the experiences I’m going through and the way things are happening, I realized it wasn’t about not taking that responsibility, but that I’m on a different vibrational level altogether. I know there are good people fighting that fight and I am doing my part from wherever I am in the world, trying to show people that we carry most of our value inside. Yet I will feel guilty no more, because it is not my purpose to stay in a place that tries to put down my spirit, my fire, my spark. It’s hard to explain but will be easier to show you when looking back on my life’s accomplishments one day…

And yes. I’ve been working intensely over the past few weeks; I’m not a stranger to this feeling of utter exhaustion. But I’m working to develop into a better person – I will stay for as long as it serves my purpose and as long as I feel that I am serving a valuable purpose to others. And everything needs to be mutual. I expect an environment that enhances my drive rather than dialing it down. When I hit walls, I either look for a way to go over them, around them, open the door and go through, or I would remove myself from the walled-up environment.

But my spark… my spark stays put. Because it is only that spark that lights up inside every time I’m struggling that fuels up my spririt, no matter how hard things get. And no matter what, I’m not going to stay in the rat race. Whatever sacrifices were made for me by close ones, whatever faith others have put in me so far, for all this and for what is to come… I am not going to break the promise I made to myself all those years ago.

And maybe you were meant to read this because you have your own spark…

Below, the video I just found that helped(/haunted) me (to) finally gather last week’s thoughts into the one 900 words post…

New feeling #5 / 2015

I woke up this morning from a hangover… and this present moment is one that empowers me to say:

You are perfect now, you are ready now, you are beautiful enough now

No matter what’s holding you back, let me tell you:

You are ready.

–

I am ready to be a mentor, a coach, I am ready to teach others.

I am ready to move higher to achieve my potential

I am ready to achieve my body goals, and

I am lovable, apparently, since, well. Demand is high these days.

… I am ready.

New feeling #4 / 2015

What to do?

What to do when you meet someone who is so much on the same wavelength, someone who knows exactly how to talk to you and to soothe you with their words, as well as silence. Someone who always tells you the truth, who supports you through the good and the bad, and who acts sweetly without having to and understands beyond words.

Someone understanding and patient and calm. They inspire you not only to be the same, but to be and become a better person in general every day? Their acceptance and love of your faults makes you want to become the best you can be and it transforms you, starting at the core.

There is only one answer I could think of; when you meet such a person you must treat them right, trust them, open up to them and give them your heart. There is no other way as life-enriching as to open up to someone who cares to look so deeply into your soul and understand what is hiding beneath the surface.

New feeling #3 / 2015 – Mentorship

I am going to be a mentor. I have been selected, as AIESEC Alumna, to take part in the mentoring program that is provided to newbies upon joining.

This week I had a first GTKEO session with my new mentee. Second session is today. She is a really cool and a bit shy Physics student from back home. She was so excited to get to meet me! The whole experience made me realize a few important things:

– for me it’s another experience, granted though important and valuable, but for her it’s life-altering, thought-altering, profoundly-impacting, life-changing, who knows… I better do things right.

– I do feel that I have learned a lot of great lessons I can pass on. No more thinking that „I’m still young and still learning, still not perfect”. Ahem! When will we be old enough, wise enough, not learning anymore, perfect? It’s time to drop my perfectionist ways and start giving back!

– I still want to make a difference, a good difference, even if a small difference. Knowing that I’m respecting my values and doing something to advance in this is priceless in itself.

– what I’m really after is personal development for both of us and it is just as exciting and challenging an experience for the mentor, as it is for the mentee

– I love working with young people and I love the innocent, optimistic and positive way they view the world. Always have, always will. And I love being selfless. But this isn’t about me, it’s about her.

– I am now on the look-out for my next mentor. 🙂

New feeling #2 / 2015

When someone has been a really good friend for years, that you can’t give up on… but life has made you different people so you’re left happy to watch them from afar and pray that they be happy and accomplished regardless. They are still friends.

New feeling #1 / 2015

When someone gets you mad and even while you’re mad with them, even though you’d be silent and cold on the outside, you still want to cuddle when night falls.

Trying to make women approach IT careers – waste of time and effort?

Hi there internet, here is my opinion, since I’m home-bound a bit, flushing out some side-effects of medication I shouldn’t have taken in the first place – if we only could look at what the future will be if we make one choice as opposed to another! But this is for another post. 🙂

Today I want to talk about how the I.T. industry is witnessing a lot of sustained efforts to get women, ladies, girls, estrogen… on board! There are a lot of initiatives, that I cannot help but admire and adhere to as a lady who is definitely interested! I’m just wondering if most of these initiatives are being implemented in the best, most productive way…

Why am I saying that?

Well, as an Business & Economics graduate, I wanted to look at this in a few ways that made sense to me. If you know some Economics if only at a basic level, then you will probably be familiar with microeconomics’ concept of supply and demand, used to describe the economic model of price determination on the market. We are taught that if one factor increases or decreases with the other varying as well, or staying the same in a way completely non-related to the modification of the first factor, then a shortage could occur on any of the sides.

In the same way as supply and demand are applied to the market of goods of any kind to determine a price in the process, which goes up and down depending on the relationship between them, it is the same in human resource management. We have demand, and we have supply… unfortunately, the „goods” being „exchanged” though have hearts, they have grown up with ideals, each one to their own, and what the market does is that it tries to integrate these precious (I would say), living, discerning goods into different categories in a way that is convenient for the „greater good”.

And I get it, I completely understand why we need more doctors at some points in our history, and we need more teachers, scientists, fashion designers at others… and, okay, I will make a joke; I even understand that at the current point in our history we are desperate for Photoshop experts. Apparently can’t get enough of these! Haha. My problem was that, once I understood economics and marketing and politics and once I took a look at history to see how different theories put into practice evolved with time, I got sad to understand how we are seen and manoeuvred, as part of „the masses”.

I was drawn to Business because naturally I wanted to get the skills I knew that I needed for my future, but the morals of the Economics and Politics that I got together with the Business theory made me reconsider my options, my path. Funnily enough, this brought me back to my first love, programming. I find my role to be as shielded as can be in the corporate environments of companies today. Especially when you’re an expert in a company with a different focus in business…

I will not make the same mistake a lot of people make and place myself in the same bucket with the rest of the women in the world. Which is not to say I want to separate myself from humanity in any degree – I think that what we have in common can bring us together and I respect that. Problem is, we are not all the exact same. And women, we tend to like different things. You can’t place a whole gender in the same category and you definitely cannot separate the whole number of people belonging to the category of „working age” individuals of a certain gender into definite niches of the employment market. That’s why I believe we will always have shortages one way or the other. Never mind the unrealistic expectations on both sides that widen the gap.

When you make a product from scratch with a specification in mind, you know that that product will serve that purpose for that period of time more or less depending on how it’s used. But with people, it’s a bit harder. We don’t like to be told what we have to be good at, and shouldn’t be. We’re all unique and should be allowed to express ourselves in our unique ways. Do what we like. Pursue what we love. I’m not going to push to be a nurse because the president says I should. I am going to follow my calling, my purpose. I want to serve humanity in the way I feel most close to and I think that everyone should be allowed that right. Yes, it is okay to promote certain jobs and yes I am probably talking either Utopia or the new society that our current and future generations are creating, because our parents were more keen to do what „worked” and drop their passions to bring up their families.

We humans have different likes, dislikes, passions, points that we focus on, and on top of this complexity – we change with time. We prioritize and re-prioritize, we evolve! If you want to come tell me I should pursue an I.T. degree to make the employers happy or because it’s cool to work at Facebook or Instagram, then you are taking the wrong approach.

If, however, you are able to tell me in a most disinterested way, like my mum did when I was 11 („getting the highest grades is not to ensure that we are happy with you, but to ensure your best future and the best outcome of the time you’ve spent learning”), about why I should get into computing, then that is something I will most likely make sense of. But also, I might not, and that’s okay.

I think it’s a good thing to encourage women to join the industry, God knows it’s needed! But I want people to join when they can see a clear benefit for themselves and because they know how to leverage their being in IT. It’s cool that Will.I.Am is learning to code, it’s nice that we’re using celebrities now to get to the public – we are drawing attention. We must get away from the plastic way of promoting IT because there are enough openings in this sector; rather show that technology is fun, innovative, stimulating and it has become an important part of our lives today – they might as well take a look!

And ladies – Be smart. We haven’t fought so long to prove that we can do cool things too… to end up throwing it away.

Let’s show society that there is so much more to ladies than the beautiful bodies nature has provided us with. If we don’t take ourselves seriously now, who will and when? There is more than one way to have fun and kick ass!

Just a thought. 😛

Teenager, 2015

A new year is approaching. New times. New people. New experiences. New adventures… All here to teach something important, that we need for our lives going forward.

Honestly, as 2015 approaches I feel like a teenager. Since I’ve been employed FT it’s like time never passed, I feel just as young as during uni or maybe younger… just as myself or maybe more so, because I’m on my own two feet, away from home, and I made it. There’s nothing more empowering than to know that you can provide for yourself and for your close ones, and that you are able to rebuild if necessary, because it’s your own, inner, value that you’ve built your prosperity on (people forget they have this power all too easily). So empowering that all your work has been worth it.

And, while I feel like a teen again, I’ve got my years of life experience to thank for the confidence in myself that I have built from the ground-up. I had the right attitude as a teenager, but not the confidence. Now I have both and an insatiable desire to find solutions to all old issues and leave them where they originated, in the past. I like this attitude change because I’ve worked hard to change my mentality over the years. It’s something you simply have to do for yourself, especially when you have the right resources but may be using them inappropriately.

It took a whole year of seeking out my spiritual side, a year of healing on all fronts. I’ve traveled, I’ve spent my most important days with close ones, I’ve had my share of eye-opening experiences, I feel infinitely more mature than even a couple of months ago. And for that I have all of my angels to thank, whether world-renowned gurus or people who have been by my side when I needed them most. I’ve found what I was seeking, I found myself… and it’s time to share that with the world. 🙂

It’s hard when you’ve got so much to say, so much to do, so many dreams. What do you focus on? How do you decide what you want to do first? How can you find a balance between what you are doing at the moment and making some time to invest in your future? How do you know when you’ve finally found that thing you love most in your life, career, among your habits, hobbies and passions? I’ve hit the nail right with all my goals being worked on this year, with experiences that I will long remember and cherish always and with an awakening which was long coming and which has rebuilt me as a human being… weird how it seems though that I’m more myself NOW than I’ve ever been. Maybe I owe most of this to the act of true listening.

Whether this makes sense to you or not, if you’re reading this right now, I challenge you to give thanks to the best people and experiences in your life this year on your preferred social network, or, better yet, in person. We don’t give thanks enough…

Seek your lovely self out and express them. Let the world see you shine! You’re younger and more beautiful and full of potential now than you will ever experience again in this life as a human being and regardless of what is to be going forward from this existence, try to make the best of… experiencing the joy of being a human being, in the now.

I can only wish for all mankind that they stop listening to society so much and start listening to themselves and investing in themselves properly. And giving thanks for all good things and people flowing through their lives.

I’m at peace.May you be too, and especially in the new year.

Bring on 2015! 🙂

Love,

Ioana

Titles don’t matter

Just read this and I’m inspired. I used to obsess over titles when I joined AIESEC. Thought it was so important… but when I ran for VP at the end of 2009 and aspired to the privilege of being one while knowing that the position was incompatible with my plans of leaving the country, right before finding out the outcome and feeling the awkward sensation that I don’t want to be picked, actually, struggling with that weird feeling when making big things happen was my primary focus. Being torn by the choice because I knew I would have made a difference as a VP; I’d been groomed into one from the very beginning and I’d made breakthroughs without being one, which had left many people mind-blown.

I myself was both a trainer and a trainee on the VP preparation track at the RockMe conference in BH and I had to prioritize VP trainer because of my position in the NST… and still I didn’t turn out VP ICX in my local committee.

In fact, I switched departments and joined Finance in a middle-management grant-writing role. Rather than keep doing what I was doing in the ICX department, I went into Finance and tried to break through the barriers where I knew we had a problem, one I’d been confronted with as a Project Manager.

Of course, I didn’t have the sufficient time to carry out my plans, but I did opt out and ensure that a suitable candidate was chosen to carry out the mission I had set out to carry out, together with my peers. I regret nothing.

Looking back now, it’s not as much being the CEO/CIO/MCVP/MCP and so on position, but it’s about making a difference. It’s about seeing a need and going in to fulfill it for the greater good of the organization. I think that’s what makes people indispensable, rather than role titles that might not even apply fully to the type of organizations they’re granted in.

Titles don’t matter. Making a difference and spending your time doing something that helps people does.

One colleague’s role became redundant last year and he left us a few weeks ago. He felt happy with his decision to leave, even though he was attached to Barclays. Many are going to miss him as a nice and helpful person. But it was time to go out and offer his skills to a mission he felt closer to – he had stopped finding missions he could fulfill inside the organization.

The CIO title sounds good to me, but… if I ever aspire to it and I find that on a personal level it’s not justified in terms of the lack of harmony, happiness and following through with my life’s mission, then I will happily take another role myself.

Now I understand what Mindy Grossman did, and why.